In my life I have found
Nothing but pain and being let down
How do I describe the pain that I feel,
When most of the time I don’t think I’m real
Like being stuck in a nightmare where nothing goes right
And no matter what you do you can’t win the fight
Run as you might you can’t get away
From the pain that’s inside you every day.
Even when you try to hide
You can’t get away because the pain is inside.
Welling up from way down deep
You can only escape is when you sleep.
And no matter what you do you still want to cry
And there are times that you wish you could just die.
But don’t tell anyone or else they may
Lock you up for a couple of days.
Acquaintances will come and they will go
That’s one thing that I do know
I thought I had friends but I was wrong
I turned to them for help and they were gone
So now here I am Lost and alone
With no one to call on the telephone
Afraid of the future, regretting my past
Wishing I’d find a friend who would last
What’s wrong with me what do I do
That makes everyone around me just say Fuck you.
You know what I really don’t care
For my friends I’ll always be there.
I despise people in every way
I hate being around them every day
It’s like a knife shoved in my back and twisted around
Like being buried alive in the cold hard ground
It takes away my breath then I can’t move
I can’t lift a finger or even say boo
My chest gets all tight like I’m being crushed
My heart starts galloping like I’m in a rush
I wish it wouldn’t happen, but it never fails
My emotions take over and my brain just bails
As I sit here alone with nothing to do
I start counting my blessings for knowing you
Never would I have guessed that in this world
A guy like me would meet the right girl
But I found you and now I know
Just how deep true love can grow
I’ve made some mistakes so now we’re apart
But I want you to know you’re still in my heart
No matter what happens or what they say to you
Always remember that I love you.
Do you remember the way that it felt?
The first time I kissed you I thought I might melt.
My skin felt all tingly like I was just zapped,
Thinking of the touch of your body as yet unmapped.
I knew on that night from that very first kiss,
You were the one thing in my life that I couldn’t miss.
I wanted to have you for the rest of my life,
To make you my partner, my lover, my wife.
For the first time in my life I finally knew bliss,
And what started it all was that one little kiss.
|All that I Want
Locked away and cast aside
Wishing that I would have died.
Another day of all the same,
Dealing with the CO’s games
I’m tired of losing what I get,
But I don’t have an answer yet.
I keep reaching out and finding only air.
I have long since discovered that life isn’t fair,
But fairness aside I keep pushing through,
Simply because there’s nothing else to do.
All that I want when I am released,
Is a woman who loves me and a little peace.
|Don't give up
Moving through this life alone
With my nose upon a grindstone
Never knowing my next step
Always afraid that I might trip
Heartaches will come and they will go
That’s one thing that I do know
But don’t completely give up hope
Unless you want to be a dope
Keep an open mind and an open heart
It’s the only way to have a fresh start.
Behind closed doors, locked in a cage,
Told every day that I’m deranged.
Maybe it’s true, maybe I’m not sane,
It’s all because all of the pain.
Pain in my heart, pain in my soul,
Makes me want to crawl in a hole,
Pulling it shut when I’m inside.
I don’t know what happened, I should have died,
But instead you took an innocent life,
The woman I loved, My angel, my wife.
3 in the morning and I’m awake,
Trying to decide which path to take.
Worked myself out and wore myself down,
I feel like I could sleep on the cold hard ground
But no matter what I do or how hard I try
I still can’t get to sleep and it makes me want to cry
Maybe that’s it, all that I need
Cry myself to sleep, or maybe I could read
At least that would be something to do
Instead of sitting alone and thinking of you
When we were together I was on top
Nothing could slow me or make me stop
Now that we’re apart I can’t get it together
Because I always thought that we would be forever.
How do I forgive you if I don’t know the words,
How can I forget you after so much hurt?
I’ve tried to just erase you from out of my mind,
Before that ever happens I’ll be deaf, dumb, and blind.
I hear your voice and laughter in every single crowd,
I tell others of your beauty whenever I’m allowed.
I see you walking away every time I close my eyes.
I want to know the answers but I’m just not that wise.
So I’ll just put it down on paper so it’s out of my heart
And hope that maybe someday we’ll no longer be apart.
I’m almost done,
I’m almost free.
The time has come,
That I can be me.
So many years
I have lived a lie
So many tears
I haven’t let myself cry
But now it’s all over
I’m finished with the strife
Life’s a field of clover
I finally have a wife.
I keep it all inside
Packed into a ball
Of emotions I hide
So I don’t take a fall
I have to be strong
If I’m to make it through
I know I was wrong
As soon as I lost you.
Dreaming with my eyes open
Sleeping while awake
Allow me to explain if I can
This isn’t a mistake
I know this can’t be real
What I see before my eyes
But everything I feel
Tells me it isn’t lies.
Beauty like yours
Can’t be meant for me
Yet I open the door
And you are what I see
I did something right
somewhere along the way
To hold you every night
And come home to you every day.
Sitting here without you
Makes my whole world turn blue.
I know it’s my fault that we’re apart,
But I want you to know you still have my heart.
As time passes my love only grows,
What height it will reach heaven only knows.
Relearning what I know, changing who I am,
Trying to make myself into a better man.
Getting through this treatment is important to me,
Because I have a strong desire to again be free.
Free from my addictions, free from who I was,
Free from the things that held me down simply because,
I couldn’t let them go and get on with my life.
Now is my chance, I’m pulling out the knife
That fate stuck in my back by giving me this curse,
The curse of addiction, the never ending thirst
The desire to distort reality no matter what the cost.
As I look back on my life and all the things I’ve lost
I just can’t believe I let it go on for so long
Or how many people I’ve known that are now gone.
Now is the time to learn from my mistakes,
And live my life as clean as the high mountain lakes.
|Another Day Closer
Summer is closer with each day we make it through,
Another day closer to when I can hold you.
This time apart has been hard but it’s almost done
Soon we’ll be together and having lots of fun.
Holding each other close late into the night,
And doing anything as long as it feels right.
What’d I ever do to you, it just isn’t been fair.
If you would have asked me, I would have shared,
But instead you broke in, in the middle of the night.
I’m not sure if you know, but that just isn’t right.
You stripped me of my dignity you lost all my respect,
In just one night you turned my life into a wreck.
Why did you do it? What did I do wrong?
I woke up in the morning, and all my things were gone.
Fairness is doing the right thing no matter the cost,
Think of all your victims and all the things they’ve lost.
Dignity is all about holding your head up high,
Think of all the people that you have made cry.
Respect is something earned slowly over time,
It’s lost much more quickly when you commit a crime.
Look at it from this side, you’ll see that I’m not wrong
I just hope you can get it right before the time is gone.
Another day in treatment land
Turning my life toward what I’ve planned
Changing myself one day at a time
First my actions then my mind
One step at a time slow and steady
When this six months is done I’ll be ready
To live a clean life free of all drugs
Where my only addictions are kisses and hugs
How can I remember,
It’s been blocked form my mind.
It happened in November,
The night my true love died.
I held her so tight,
Until she went away.
Nothing has been right
Ever since that day.
She had my heart,
And all I had to give.
Now that we’re apart,
I find it hard to live.
I know that someday
I will hold her again.
I just have to find a way
To live my life without sin.
The darkness that consumes me no light can break through.
This shroud of misery descended the day that I lost you.
I’ve never been so lonely or so utterly scared.
The worst part of it all is knowing you’re not there.
I’ve tried to find the answers to why I didn’t die,
The day you walked away after you caught me in a lie.
I know my heart still beats and I still draw in air,
But most of the time my mind just isn’t there.
I’d say it’s on vacation, but that would be all wrong,
After all these years I guess I’d say that it’s finally gone.
Do you really love me or is it just another lie?
I don’t want to spend another minute asking why,
I’m still here and all alone and you have gone away
Even after you said you’d be here every day.
You have made me hurt in ways I never thought I could.
You asked me to do things that I thought I never would.
I opened up my heart and let you come inside.
The day you left, a part of me just up and died.
How could I have known? How could I be sure?
Whenever I was holding you I thought you were the cure.
A rainy day, a starless night
Still dealing with this endless fight.
The desire to let go, knowing that I can’t,
To give it all up, even though I shan’t.
Lay my head down and just fall asleep,
Never wake again to cry or even weep.
The only reason I move on is some people still care,
So I’m just biding my time until they’re no longer there.
At the rate I’m going it won’t be that long
Before I even know it everyone will be gone.
I have to do whatever I can
To make myself into a better man
If I don’t she’ll never see
Just how much she means to me
I have to get out if I am to show
Just how deep my love can grow
I’ll hold her tight whenever I can
And prove to her that I’m the right man
Who’ll do what it takes to carry her through
Whether she’s happy or feeling blue.
Lost and confused with very few friends.
I often wonder, is this how it ends?
I hope they are real and that they stay true.
If they’ve been lying to me I don’t know what I’d do.
I already have issues with friendship and trust.
I hope that this time it isn’t a bust.
From what I can tell they’re really great guys.
I’m not detecting deceit or any lies.
The biggest sign will be when I know
Whether or not I’ll have a place to go.
If I do and everything goes right,
We’ll work through the day and light up the night.